Lola's Noise

Don't Be Intimidated!

2008-03-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself frustrated and angry for allowing someone to intimidate you or letting their overbearing destructive personality bother you?

I have! This one of the hardest life struggles there are and contributes to many unhealthy relationships. This plays out in abusive relationships as well. It is not something you want to allow to hinder the opportunity of living a full life.

What happens? It starts out subtle. It mostly happens to individuals who are on self-improvement journeys and want to get the most out of life and be all that they can be. Something small. The person of intimidation seems to know where to subtly correct you in an area where you are already focused on working and improving. Because you are focusing so hard on what is wrong with you. The correction or subtle attack from them is turned inward toward yourself and you end up feeling bad and inferior to them and their analyzing of you. You don't even consider looking at them or their life and wondering why you should listen to them at all. Always be careful who you take advice from. Are they someone you should be listening to. The intimidators are the bullies, the know it alls, the pushy, the critical, and sharp tongued individuals that have an air about them. The only time they don't appear to be their intimidating selves are when they have been found out and have to make themselves look like the victim and you the attacker. Lets take a look at the important things you can avoid to keep from falling prey to these insecure bullies that come across our paths.

---Who is this person? Again, be cautious of who you take advice from or listen to. Look at their life. Is what they are saying true? It just might be, but did you invite them to point out your faults. Don't get caught in their trap. They could only be unleashing this habit of intimidation on you most likely because they recognize a quality about you they desire or are jealous of.

---Negative. They tend to be negative about almost everything. They don't have very many nice things to say about people and if they do it is usually followed by a critical comment as well.

---Isolate. They are people who don't like to share. You will find they will try to isolate you from others. When they talk to you in public they will tend to pull you off into a corner and forcing you to keep all your attention on them.

---Snoops. They are snoopy and tend to ask questions that are none of their business.

---Manners. They don't have the best social skills.

---Bad mouthers. They are quick to bad mouth someone. This is a sign that is common and will help you spot it right away. If they are quick to bad mouth someone else, what is stopping them from saying bad things about you.

---Too nice. They have a courting ability that shows early on in friendships or relationships. They seem almost too nice to the point where you know something is weird and you just can't put your finger on it.

--Can't Identify. You truly can't get a good read on their personality or who they really are. They can be somewhat mysterious and vague about their past childhood, relationships, or friendships.

---They turn it around. If an issue comes up and you want to talk about it the conversation quickly becomes redirected to you and your problems and not what you want to talk to them about.

---No responsibility. This doesn't always show up in work or life. It is more about blaming others. They always know who's fault it is and never look at themselves.

---Compulsive. They have a couple of compulsive traits. Hopefully you won't get close enough to find out what they are.

---You owe them. They don't do anything without feeling some type of entitlement or payment in return. They will use this technique often to bait in people. You may be in need of something and they can provide it. Money or something else. They will then subtly make you feel bad and try to get you dependent on them. They will let you know you should do something in return. They will even be bold enough to suggest what that should be. After all intimidators are about themselves.

---Jealous. They are extremely jealous. They do not forgive! They expect you to be punished.

---Punishment. They will let you know you need to make it up to them. There will be a punishment.

If you recognize any of these things going on in a relationship, you may want to seriously rethink or evaluate it. You do not want to have this type of toxic behavior going on in your life. People with these tendencies will make your life difficult. That can spin off into causing other problems and struggles you never thought you would be dealing with.

When you recognize these traits you can immediately put your guard up and approach with caution. It is important to closely watch who you align yourself with. If someone has these traits to a lower degree than you can end of feeling taken advantage of. You have to ask yourself if this is a positive and supportive person. Do they make you feel good when you are around them. Do you walk away from then feeling empowered and strengthened. If you do then that is a person who is healthy for you. These are important things to take into consideration. Toxic people can leave scars for a lifetime. Healthy people can heal and encourage you to be your best self.

Lola says find the healthy ones and hang on to them. Your inner circle of friends are what helps build your life. Be careful of who you let in the circle. Trust your instincts and shake off the negative things people say. Keep your mind and spirit focused on health and good life. It helps to lessen the sting of the naysayers.

Love,

L.L.

Discovery

2008-03-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

It has now been discovered that "muffin top syndrome" is caused from microwaving foods in plastic, hormones in milk, hormones in meat, and increase in thyroid disorders. This is alarming and I thought people should know about what they are discovering in studies. The plastic molecules when microwaved are released in the food digesting in the body as estrogen. Yuck! That can't be good. You can purchase meat and milk that is hormone free. Eating organic foods can help as well. In studies they are now realizing this may also be the source of young girls in elementry schools developing early and getting their periods as young as 8 yrs old. Shocking!

Always A Diet!

2007-12-26T16:55:00.000-08:00

Even the word Diet does not sound like a picnic. lol This is a topic that is one of serious importance to me. I used to weigh a lot. OK, lets just say it was above 200 lbs. It was a struggle for me growing up and is a battle at times now. Now, it is the fight to stay small. Then, it was the fight to get small. This topic has so many different opinions , not to mention different diets. It can be hard to sort through it all.

The first thing that needs to be discussed is the epidemic among teenage girls and young women that is what is commonly referred to as "muffin top syndrome". This is a weird looking deposit of back and waist fat concentrated around the lower waistline. Now, girls will usually have thin legs, arms, torso, and then all the sudden "muffin top". It is nuts. It is hard to find a girl nowadays that does not have this syndrome. I never saw this in high school or on anyone in my generation. Then, you were either small or big. Only bigger girls had love handles but usually they were big in all areas not just one specific concentrated spot.

Now, there has been discussion amongst my friends and I about where this originated and what in our food could be causing this. The reason with the most votes appears to be coffee drinks and that "muffin tops" origin begin to rear its ugly chub roll in 2003. Since then it has taken off and run rampant among women coming out of high school and junior high. Could it be the coffee drinks? Whatever it may be, it needs to be addressed and dealt with. These girls shouldn't have to live with this extra waist and fashion designers won't always make a-line tops and flowy blouses. This will end soon. What will there be for all these girls to wear?

The answer is back to the basics. Not for fashion, but for diet. All my girlfriends and I have often discussed what is the best way to lose weight. I've tried almost everything. Juicing, Atkins, low fat, low carb, low fat, and other crazy methods that are supposed to help reduce your size. There has only ever been one solution for me with results that prove them self over and over again. I will fall off the wagon at times but, when I get back on within 3 days any weight gain literally is gone and I see instant results.

Exercise is the main thing. I have a thyroid issues and for me it requires taking a supplement, and adding an extra 20 minutes to my workout routine. The standard should be aerobic exercise with weights for muscle tone and your goal should be to workout for 45 minutes with your heart rate in the fat burning zone.

Food is the next important thing in the weight loss equation. For me the key has always been no saturated fat. Even if it says 0.5 sat. No, I won't do it. Healthy fat yes. Keep your fat grams at 15 a day, don't eat after 7:30 pm, and stay away from white breads. There are many things you can eat to stay healthy. It is easy to stay within the fat grams because lots of foods you can find don't have more than 5-8. Stay away from candy. You should just count candy as fat grams because that much sugar will be stored as fat eventually anyway. Yuck! Now, even if you followed this 5-6 days a week. You would definitely still lose weight. My answer to losing weight (see my poll) would be low fat and low carb. I don't mean low carb like Atkins, I mean low carb with vegetables and lean proteins. Keeping the pasta, grains, rice to a minimum. Usually not eating them after 2pm everyday. This for me has been key, and when I follow it I drop weight everyday. You must take supplements and drink lots of water.

Now that Christmas is over, I'm going to attempt to follow my own advice and proceed to drop the holiday weight. My solution for the "muffin top syndrome" is to slowly find an alternative for those fatty coffee drinks and begin to become more active. Lola says she isn't telling you anything she wouldn't tell herself.

Love,

L.L.

Communication Dance Party

2007-12-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, here we are talking about communication. I wonder why it is so hard to communicate sometimes with others. We understand what we are saying but the other person doesn't seem to get it. That is because in our mind we know what we mean but our words can say something else entirely.

There have been several times in trying to confront someone or talk to them about something really important that my communication was like a rookie doing the worm down a soul train line. Lola's message today is to stop dancing around topics and start communicating honestly what is really going on. For instance if you are having trouble with someone, the first thing you need to do is talk to them. Even if they don't receive what you are saying well, you will at least know that you stood up for yourself, didn't let your boundry get invaded, and communicated with them what happened. There was a time in my life where everyday was a Communication Dance Party. I got so used to dancing around topics that people found me wishy washy and confusing. I said one thing, did another. It began to be a cycle that started out of fear and one that I never want repeated. I tell myself now, "What is the worst that could happen?" I face it head on, realize how to deal with the reality of it and then forge ahead to communicate and it always turns out better than if I would have not done it at all out of fear.

In relationships with a partner it can be hard to really communicate what you are feeling knowing them so well, you have their response memorized. However, even with this in mind honest communication can change the dynamic of the relationship and take it in a new fresh direction. When you can commit to communicating in this arena it helps keep you honest and lessens the opportunities for people to walk all over you. It gives you freedom to say yes, and say no without guilt or bad feelings. You feel confident and good because you stated what was really going on in your inside person. That is courageous and bold.

I was working with a girl and we were both having a hard and difficult morning. It was a day I felt at the "end of my rope". All the sudden I blurted out that I was mad at her because of a specific reason and that I wished we could just talk and lay it all out on the table and say how we really feel. We both laughed and then talked about it and all the sudden my insecurity went away and her wondering about the tension she was feeling left. I thought man, I can communicate and not feel afraid. I begin doing it whenever I had the chance. It felt so good. It hasn't always been well received, but at least I got it out and could breath easier and now if I had to go down the soul train line it would be like, "Lookout, I am the diva of dance and can shake my bootie like Shakira and Beyonce on their best day! Oh, snap!"

There is freedom in open communication. It is all about getting past the fear. Once you hurdle over it and bust a move you feel so good and like you are making an effort not to hold the negative feelings inside you. Think for instance how much better it would feel just to tell your friend that when she makes snide comments about your hair it bothers you. That how would she feel? Does she think her hair is perfect and that it is OK to say things like that. If you don't hold someone accountable how will things or the dynamic of a relationship change for the better? How many times has someone told you what they think. They don't waste time so why should you have to dance around a topic anymore. Lola wants to make some noise and feel freedom for communicating honestly. Lola wants to dance a new dance feeling bold, confident, and unafraid.

Try some communication this week. A good thing to remember is that you want people to feel empowered when they walk away from a conversation with you. That will give you the most freedom. Don't put them down, don't pretend they are a word pinata. Just let them know how you are feeling. Encourage the positive. What they do that makes you feel good. Focus on the proactive communication and not the kind that starts the catfighting in the girls bathroom at the bar. Good communication. Be short, to the point, and why you don't like it, and how it makes you feel. Let them know what you do appreciate and that you would like more of that and less of the other. Go for it, you just might find a new beat to boogie to.

Love,

L.L.

Sex...It Takes Two

2007-12-02T20:24:00.000-08:00

Oh no, we're talking about sex. Yep. Last week a man asked me "why do women stop having sex"? What is it? Kids, stress, lack of desire, or are they just not attracted to their partner. Wow!

This is often the topic of many jokes and relationship strife. You've heard the stories. You meet, feel all the newness of the relationship and then life happens, the romance stops and so does the .....sex.

Lola thinks we should open up this topic for discussion. Why do women stop having sex? Are men to blame? Or, are they being punished for their inability to support our emotions. Lets make some noise and get to the bottom of the sex issue in a lot of relationships. I'm not trying to offend anyone here, I'm sure there are exceptions. If you feel like you are an exception then great, don't take this personal. But, if you do take it to heart or get a little defensive then maybe you should be talking about it.

In one relationship I was in sex was not on my mind because of how I was treated and I felt so bad about myself and the situation I did not want the person near me at all. Even though others thought he was attractive and couldn't understand why I was not all over him they did not know the whole story and I just wanted to get away from him. I don't know how it is for you but when someone is angry at me, I just shut down and it is as if my libido does not exist.

Now, if you love the person though and are not having sex, then why is that? If you are happy in your relationship wouldn't you want to at least try? If you have no health issues and are healthy and have not had sex with your partner say in a month, what is the deal?

Look, I'm not playing man's best friend here. Both parties have needs. We expect men to bend over backwards for us but why do we at times withhold ourselves from them?

I believe it takes two people working together. That sex can be fun and extraordinary if both people communicate and find the adventure in it. It can help you even fall in love again if you have lost those feelings because of the fast pace of life. Life happens, but so should sex.

If I feel like there are expectations then it is hard for me to get in the mood and relax. It becomes less about intimacy and more about performance which then becomes a chore, and that is the last thing a woman needs is one more chore.

Choices are key. If a man gives you choices and makes you feel as if it is all your idea then that helps a woman feel in charge and takes the pressure off. If no sex is happening then some communication should be. When men feel loved they will do crazy things. Take out the trash, do the dishes and even watch the kids. A little lovin' can go a long way. It is important to establish some ground rules that help both people feel like they are part of the experience of lovemaking and not just along for the ride. When it is like a chore then that is when women are thinking of the other things that need to be done. Their mind is chore focused and not intimate focused.

One girlfriend of mine told me how her man complained about her pajama's. Sweats that were not exactly a turn on for him. She was annoyed that he would even complain. It is not like she cared what he slept in or didn't sleep in. He associated her night wear as a signal that nookie was a definite no go. We started to get in a crazy discussion about the topic only to agree that men and woman are very different and read into things differently as well. It became clear that if we expect men to do things, shouldn't we compromise too. She said with the kids pulling on her after work and the demands of her job, and the expectations she felt were on her that she just wanted to relax. It was a realization that she wasn't even trying to get intimate she was just trying to relax. Sex can be relaxing. Once you get warmed up then there is a green light flashing all the way to orgasm. I wondered what she would do to try. I found her answer to be one that was actually insightful. She talked with her man and they came to a compromise. At least 4 nights out of the week she would wear sexy sleep wear and then one of the four nights he could pick. All of a sudden he got what he wanted and to her surprise so did she. She began to feel sexy on the lingerie nights and started to want to have sex a lot more. Her mate became happy and helpful. I heard flowers were bought and the garage was cleaned out.

Lola would like to hear what you have to say on the subject and your ideas and thoughts about what is happening when sex isn't.

If I could give men advice on why a woman is not wanting to have sex, then it would be that he really needs to communicate with his spouse or partner in a gentle way. Not criticizing or joking but lovingly ask her what could be stifling the desire to have sex. They should openly talk about what compromises they can make or fun elements that could be added to their relationship to bring the desire back. He should not take all the blame either. A woman should want to try. She should make an effort to get close to her partner and just as she expects him to love and desire her, so should he deserve the same.

Lola says the less of a chore a thing is the more fun and exciting it is. If you feel like you have to and don't want to, then maybe you should evaluate what is really wrong in the relationship. No sex could really be about something else all together.

It takes two....find that special thing or setting or touch that can bring you into a connection with one another that encourages intimacy. You can find all kinds of things that spur romance.

Poems, lotion (massage), scents, music, laughing, foods, lingerie, lighting, intimate dinner, hand holding, holding one another, ......etc... pick one or two and run with them. You just might end up having...sex.

The Job You Hate

2007-11-18T15:38:00.000-08:00

Recently, I talked with someone who stated how they really disliked their job and were miserable. I thought about how many jobs I've had that were not necessarily my favorite. I did not look at any of these jobs as the end of the road or like that was it for me. I was always working my way towards the job I would enjoy. It makes me wonder how many times in life people settle for their circumstances and stop working towards their dreams.

I don't believe anyone should be miserable. Maybe things are tough financially and circumstances could be better. Even if you are working a job that you are not happy with shouldn't you still be looking for ways to pursue your dreams. If taking steps towards your dreams is too far to reach then what about a job you at least enjoy.

This person I was talking to explained how they were exhausted and their home life was suffering. They were literally working themselves into the ground for an employer that was looking to get all they can from people without paying them what they are truly worth. How can this be good. Yeah, I get it, people have to work for a living. Bills, food, shelter, and life happens. Is it worth it to drive yourself into the ground with no clear end in sight? Lola thinks NOT!

Lola wants those unhappy in their jobs to find a way to get a different job. Easier said than done. Well, every effort towards something else takes a first step.

Make a plan! A month to two months. Start looking into jobs that you are truly interested in. Set goals for yourself, with each goal having an action behind it. Determine you will be working a job you enjoy the following year.

Research that job. Talk to people who do that job. Every job has it's ups and downs even if it is a job someone enjoys. Make sure you can deal with all the aspects of the job. Find a way in. Start talking to people, asking questions, and create a resume geared towards this new job of interest. All things that are achievable while still making money at the job of misery that you will soon leave. One important tip is to see if this job requires schooling and if it does, and you want to do well, then find a way to make it happen. Look into federal aid, grants, or classes your new place of hire will help sponsor you in.

Lola wants to encourage others to go after what they want and not settle for "life happens", but show life what you are made of.

Lola Loon

The Restless Relationship

2007-11-15T07:01:00.000-08:00

Being an escaped convict of a restless relationship I get overwhelmed watching other people living in that kind of relationship. They find themselves wondering how life's circumstances got them where they are at. It is not clear to them that they do have choices. They feel like they chose the best living situation and not the right person. A restless relationship is a relationship where the someone is unhappy. They know they are not with the right person. Everyday they wonder how to get their life back, or how they could make different choices.

Friends, it is time to make some noise and give a shout out to anyone in a restless relationship. You can escape. If you don't now, you will later. Somewhere deep inside you will constantly be searching for the right person, if you choose to stay. You will never be satisfied and find yourself slipping into the other person's reality losing sight of your own desires and dreams.

What are the symptoms of such a relationship?

*Sighing and Sadness= not just sighing a little bit, but several times per day. You carry a feeling of heaviness and often find yourself desiring something more out of life.

*Daydream= a common sign. Staring off into space. Wondering about what if's in your life. Getting more lost in movies than normal, looking for that escape into a different reality that masks the pain of their own.

*Eat more, Eat less= another sign of the effects of a relationship you do not belong in.

*The "I can't find my car keys expression"= A person will look like they have lost something or are searching for something. They can't put their finger on what is wrong, they just know something is missing.

*Have more than one serious hobby= Another sure sign. They spend more time doing their hobbies than they do with the person they are with. These hobbies they take seriously almost as if they are a job.

*Pro Rationalizers= They often rationalize the relationship they are in. "He is such a good person!" "She really cares about me." "I couldn't leave, I would not be able to make it on my own." "I need to make a plan first and then escape later".

*Guilt= In being with the wrong person people can carry guilt. They feel horrible and like they deserve their situation. They see guilt as their punishment and often will feel like they should be punished and that the other person is better than they are.

I'm sure there are more. It just burns my ass, because people should be happy! In these relationships there is definitley a commonality. One person in the relationship will have a stronger personality or be held in one's mind as superior. In appearance the stronger person can sometimes be difficult and back the other person into corners. Make no mistake that the stronger person will not allow for many wrong behaviors. Both parties will feel like victims.

If you are in this type of relationship (a relationship with the wrong person) staying will be more hurtful to them. You are doing them an injustice by not allowing them to fulfill their dreams and find someone that loves them as much as they think they love you. They may not realize they are in love with the idea of their living arrangement and not the person. Until they come across the right person they are not sure what their inner man is searching for.

In the end both people will feel like they are missing out in life. Being with the right person in a relationship can still be a challenge but you won't be looking for the escape route.

Lola says today take some time to evaluate where you are at in your relationship and if you are living your dream or living in somone else's.

Lola Loon

The Root Of A Lie Is Fear...

2007-11-04T15:58:00.000-08:00

In talking with a friend the other day we got into a deep discussion about lies. She shared with me how she had lied to her husband about how much her paycheck was. She told me that she was afraid that he would say no to a new pair of boots she wanted and so she determined that it would be easier to say her paycheck was less, buy the boots, and then say a friend gave them to her. I said, "Girlfriend, that is crazy talk! Just listening to all the work you went through to cover up some cute boots." Why did she feel like she needed to lie. I asked her if her husband would really freak out about the boots. She said she didn't know, so the fear of not knowing made it easier to just lie. I said, "well... what if you told him there was a pair of boots that you really wanted and maybe the two of you could figure out how you could purchase them without it hurting the budget. Maybe even do a fair exchange where the next month he could get something important to him." The thing is, I can so relate to that. I have lied for very similar reasons. That started me thinking how many times people lie out of fear. In fact almost all lies are fear based.

It inspired me to check myself in the future and make sure I don't let fear put me at the mercy of a little or big lie. This friend and I began laughing at silly stories of how lies had got us into more trouble than the lie itself. The stress of the cover-up was enough to send us into emotional exhaustion and then the fear that started the lie became very present in our anxiety and tightening in the chest.

Wouldn't it be worth it to overcome that fear and then never have to lie. When you know what the basis for the fear is, then you can face it head on. Is it fear of rejection, fear of abuse, fear of getting put down, fear of acceptance, or even fear of embarrasement. This subject hit me so hard. There was a time in my life where I lied because I was afraid of abuse. Now, that I have been set free from that fear and have moved past the wounds that causes, I don't feel the need to lie. In the relationship I'm in now. I feel safe. I can talk with "My Man" about the topics that I used to avoid and keep to myself. It sure takes the pressure off and leaves us an open line of communication to share our needs and wants.

It makes me sad when I think about the times I lied out of a fear of being accepted and tried to make myself into what I thought people wanted. They may have been little lies, but they caused me some big anxiety. It was disappointing to walk away from the conversation knowing the truth. I wanted so bad to be loved and accepted. Now, I have a confidence I didn't have before and feel complete in who I am (always a work in progress of course) and what I have to share with this World that I don't need to lie. I don't need to feel that fear, that fear that would sometimes lead me to lie.

This friend and I decided she should tell her husband the truth about the boots. "What is the worst that could happen?", I said. "Is he gonna take the boots away? Not likely, it just might make him curious enough to ask why she was afraid to tell him." Turns out, he laughed and they talked about what could have been the root of the problem. She told him that when she had wanted another pair of shoes a few months back, he made a face when she told him the price and said it would be a cold day in hell before he paid out money like that for a pair of shoes. Now, he realizes that you have to be careful what you say and that he should have been more sensitive then impose his personal price limits on her. They should work together. Decide what is important together including anything to do with the budget.

What a revelation! Lola Loon would like to encourage all women to face the fear head on and stop it before it leads to a lie. If you have been living in fear for any reason then, you should determine to love yourself, understand you are worth it, to discover what you can do to get out of fear so you can feel freedom and safety again.

No Nonsense Practical Advice On Everything -n- Anything Helpful

2007-10-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

I read the paper, watch the talk shows, and listen to people I perceive to be smart give advice that makes sense for a second.

However, in a fast paced world that keeps spinning faster, how does anyone have time to change today what they couldn't yesterday?

This is a format for all who need to hear more than just "find your best inner you", or "accept yourself where you are at", and "don't try and change your man". These words of supposed wisdom no longer make sense in today's practical fast-paced World where people need real answers that can quickly give them insight in to a situation or a personal struggle.

Let me introduce, Lola Loon. (A bold, sassy, kitteness character) A spirited woman who takes a "no bull" approach to helping others. By creating an opportunity (via this blog) for others to share about what they are going through and find answers they need to get them through life's challenges.

Lola is funny, smart, tenderhearted, and is tired of people working so hard to fit others ideals of who they are supposed to be. Lola wants you to enjoy some peace, silliness, happiness, and success. Let's have fun and post all things funny, helpful, and encouraging.